I’m Lonely. And I Don’t Like It.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you think, “I’m lonely”—and almost immediately comes the explanation?

Of course I’m lonely. I’m single.

Maybe it’s Sunday afternoon and you’re home by yourself. Maybe it’s Friday night and you don’t have plans. Maybe you’re sitting in a room full of people and somehow still feel alone. Or there’s something you really want to do—a concert, a trip, a new restaurant—and you think, But who would I go with?

You’re lonely. And you don’t like it.

I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t feel lonely, that you should learn to love doing everything by yourself, or that you shouldn’t want a boyfriend or husband.

Instead, I want to question one assumption:

“I’m lonely because I’m single.”

Is that the whole story?

Because if being single is the reason you’re lonely, there’s really only one solution: stop being single.

But what if you have more options than you think?

Here are five questions to consider the next time you feel lonely.

1. When Do I Feel Lonely?

There’s a difference between being alone and feeling lonely.

You can spend an entire Saturday by yourself doing exactly what you want and have a fabulous day. You can also be surrounded by people and feel incredibly lonely.

Maybe you’ve experienced this at church. You’re surrounded by other women, but the conversation turns to marriage, children or family life, and suddenly you feel like the odd woman out.

It’s easy to explain that feeling with, Of course I feel this way. I’m single.

But is being single actually preventing you from connecting with the women in that room?

Do you have to be married to be interested in someone else’s marriage? Do you have to have children to care about hers? Do you have to share someone’s exact circumstances to have a conversation, ask questions or care about what matters to her?

Sometimes you really may feel left out. You don’t have to pretend otherwise.

Just don’t automatically use your singleness as the explanation every time you feel lonely.

Start noticing when loneliness actually shows up—and when it doesn’t.

Because “I’m lonely” is a very big statement.

“I feel lonely on Sunday afternoons” tells you something much more useful.

2. What Am I Wanting?

What if your loneliness is information?

Instead of immediately making loneliness mean I don’t like my life or I’m lonely because I’m single, ask:

What am I wanting right now?

Imagine you love to cook. You love trying recipes and making something delicious, but cooking for one isn’t nearly as much fun.

So Sunday after Sunday, you throw together something simple, turn on the TV for company and eat by yourself.

You feel lonely.

It would be easy to think, This is what I hate about being single. If I had a husband, I wouldn’t be eating Sunday dinner alone.

But what are you actually wanting?

Maybe you want people around your table. Maybe you want to cook a great meal and watch other people enjoy it. Maybe you simply want Sunday dinner to feel special instead of being another meal in front of the TV.

Now you have information.

“I’m lonely because I’m single” is a big problem with a pretty limited solution.

“I want people around my table on Sunday afternoon” is different.

You can do something with that.

Maybe you want someone to attend an event with. Someone who loves talking about the things you love. Someone who understands online dating and will let you vent. Or simply someone to have lunch with occasionally.

Get specific.

What kind of connection are you wanting? What kind of companionship? What would you like to be experiencing?

Loneliness doesn’t have to be evidence that something has gone wrong.

It can simply be information:

There’s something I want here.

3. Am I Waiting for a Boyfriend or Husband to Give It to Me?

If you believe you’re lonely because you’re single, it makes sense that the solution becomes getting a boyfriend or husband.

Until he shows up, you wait.

You wait for him to take you to dinner. Travel with you. Go to the concert. Sit across the table from you on Sunday afternoon.

But sometimes you’re not even waiting for a boyfriend or husband.

You’re just waiting.

Waiting for an invitation.

Waiting for someone else to make the plan.

Waiting for somebody to ask, Do you want to go with me?

There may absolutely be things you specifically want from a boyfriend or husband. Romantic companionship is different from friendship, and friendship isn’t a substitute for marriage.

But look at the particular thing you’re wanting and ask:

Does a boyfriend or husband have to be the person who gives me this?

Does a husband have to be the person sitting around your Sunday dinner table?

Does a boyfriend have to go to that concert with you?

Does a husband have to be your travel companion?

Sometimes your answer may be yes.

But how often might the answer be:

Actually...no.

And suddenly you have more options than you thought.

4. Who Is My Person?

Once you know what you want, who might want it too?

I call this Want Match.

It’s exactly what it sounds like:

You want something. Who else wants it too?

You want to go to the theatre. Who else loves theatre?

You want someone to really dive into the scriptures with. Who gets excited about that too?

You love gardening and could happily spend an afternoon talking about tomatoes and hydrangeas. Who is your gardening person?

You’re looking for the match to the want.

And here’s something important:

You don’t need one person to be everything for you. You need people.

It’s easy to imagine that someday a boyfriend or husband will become our person—our person for everything.

But that’s a big ask of one human being.

You can have your theatre person. Your gardening person. Your scripture person. Your travel person. Your friend who completely gets your online dating stories.

Some of those may be the same person.

The point isn’t to assign everyone in your life a job. The point is to find your people.

Sometimes that person is already in your life.

And sometimes you don’t know her yet.

If you want someone who loves gardening, go where the gardeners are. If you want someone who loves books, go where the readers are. If you want someone who loves theatre, pay attention to the people already talking about theatre.

Instead of deciding, I don’t have anyone to do this with, try asking:

Who is my person for this?

5. Am I Willing to Ask?

This is where knowing what you want becomes doing something about it.

Recently I saw that Candace Cameron Bure was coming to St. Louis for a girls’ night out event.

Immediately I thought, I want to go to that.

I also knew this was not a Fred-come-with-me event. Fred was not my person for this.

Then the questions started.

Do I go by myself? Who would I ask? Would anybody I know even want to go?

Eventually I decided, I’ll just skip it.

Except...I wanted to go.

I really wanted to go.

Finally I thought:

Just do it. Buy two tickets and invite someone to go with you.

So I did.

And here’s the important part: I bought the tickets before I knew who my person was.

Then I made a list of women who might be a Want Match for this particular event and started at the top.

The first woman I asked said yes.

That’s a lovely ending, but that isn’t the lesson. Your first person might say no. Your second person might say no. You may have to keep asking.

The important part is that I stopped waiting.

I knew what I wanted. I decided to create it. Then I went looking for my person.

I almost missed something I really wanted—not because I couldn’t go, but because I didn’t already have someone to go with me.

How often might you be doing some version of that in your own life?

You Don’t Have to Wait

The next time you hear yourself say, “I’m lonely,” you don’t have to like it. You don’t have to talk yourself out of it. And you don’t have to pretend there aren’t times when what you really want is a boyfriend or husband.

But maybe you also don’t have to immediately add:

“Because I’m single.”

Maybe your loneliness is telling you there’s something you want.

Connection. Companionship. Someone to share part of your life with.

Who could that person be?

Some of your people may already be in your life. Some you haven’t met yet. Some may be one invitation away from becoming someone really important to you.

And yes, someday one of those people may be the man you choose to marry.

But you don’t have to wait for him to start creating connection in your life.

You don’t have to wait.

You get to notice what you want.

You get to find your people.

You get to ask.

Sometimes they’ll say no. Sometimes you’ll still spend the afternoon alone. Sometimes you’ll feel lonely.

But lonely doesn’t have to mean helpless.

And single doesn’t have to mean waiting.

There is a whole life available to you right now—people you can know, friendships you can deepen, tables you can fill, places you can go and experiences you can have.

So the next time loneliness shows up, instead of using it as evidence of what you don’t have, maybe let it point you toward something you want to create.

And then go create it.

Your life is happening now. You don’t have to wait for someone to arrive before you start living it.