I Don’t Want to Get Married. Is That Okay?

“I don’t want to get married. Is that okay?”

Maybe you’ve been married before—perhaps even more than once—and you’ve decided you don’t want to do it again.

Maybe you’ve never been married. You’re older now, you’ve created a life you genuinely like, and you simply don’t have any desire to change it.

Or maybe you’re a widow. You had a beautiful marriage, you treasure what you and your husband had together, and you don’t want another marriage.

Whatever your reason, you don’t want to date. You don’t want to get married.

Okay.

But how do you confidently live that decision when so much of life seems designed for a party of two—or more?

What do you do when other people have opinions about your choice? What about those occasional wonderings about the life you didn’t choose? And what happens if someday you change your mind?

There are five things I want you to consider.

But first, if you’re an LDS woman, we need to acknowledge something.

What About What the Church Teaches?

Maybe part of your “Is it okay?” question is connected to your faith.

What about eternal marriage? What about the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth? What about the idea that we weren’t designed to go through life alone?

Those are big questions.

In Episode #93 of The Single LDS Woman, I talked specifically about this. In that episode, I shared something I once said during a Relief Society lesson:

“The point of this life is not to get married and have babies. The point of this life is to prepare to meet Jesus Christ.”

There’s important nuance around that statement, and I unpack it in that episode.

But here, let’s stay with our premise.

You don’t want to get married.

You don’t have to defend that decision.

Instead, let’s talk about what it looks like to actually live it.

Life as a Party of One

A lot of life really does seem to be built for a party of two or more.

You walk into a restaurant and say, “Table for one.”

You receive a wedding invitation with a plus-one.

You’re the obvious person to take Mom to her doctor’s appointment, babysit, dog-sit, or run the errand because you don’t have a husband or children.

Then there are Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas morning—and the occasional Friday night when you simply don’t want to be alone.

Not wanting to be alone tonight does not mean you don’t want your single life.

But your brain may tell you otherwise.

See? This is what you chose.

Maybe you’re going to regret this.

What happens when you’re older?

Maybe you made a mistake.

The table for one isn’t the problem. Friday night isn’t the problem. Someone else’s opinion isn’t the problem.

It’s what you think about those circumstances and what you make them mean about you, your decision, and your future.

And that brings us to the first of five things to consider.

1. Wondering About the Road Not Taken Does Not Mean Your Current Decision Is Wrong

Just because you make a decision doesn’t mean your brain stops thinking about the other decisions you could have made.

You can choose one job and wonder what would have happened if you’d taken the other one.

You can move to another city, love where you live, and occasionally wonder what your life would look like if you’d stayed.

You can end a relationship for very good reasons and still remember some of the good parts.

Marriage is no different.

You can decide you don’t want to get married and still see a couple who clearly adores each other and think, That looks nice.

You can attend someone’s 50th wedding anniversary and wonder what that might have been like for you.

You can wonder.

A wondering is just a wondering.

It doesn’t mean you chose poorly. It doesn’t mean your brain is trying to tell you something. And it doesn’t mean you’ve secretly wanted marriage all along.

You don’t need to use the wondering against yourself.

2. You Can Change Your Mind Anytime You Want

Sometimes we make a big decision and then believe we have to stick with it to prove it was the right decision.

You don’t.

You can sincerely say today:

I don’t want to date. I don’t want to get married.

And five years from now, you can sincerely say:

You know what? I think I do.

That doesn’t mean today’s decision was wrong.

It doesn’t mean you wasted five years.

It doesn’t mean you should have known better.

It means you changed your mind.

That’s it.

You don’t have to know today what you’re going to want when you’re 60 or 70 or 80. You only need to decide what you want now.

If what you want changes, you get to make another decision.

3. Have Your Own Back

One of the most valuable things you can do while navigating life as a party of one is have your own back.

Love yourself no matter what.

Have your own back when you walk into the wedding without a plus-one.

Have your own back when you say, “Table for one.”

Have your own back on the Friday night when you wish someone else were sitting on the couch with you.

And especially have your own back when your own brain starts questioning you.

You may be very good at telling everyone else to mind their own business about your decision—and then turn around and be pretty mean to yourself when you have a moment of doubt.

Instead:

Of course I’m wondering.

Of course I’m feeling lonely tonight.

Of course part of me is curious about what that other life might have looked like.

Nothing has gone wrong.

Having your own back doesn’t mean never questioning yourself.

It means you don’t abandon yourself when you do.

4. Other People Get to Have Their Opinions

Your mom may think you should get married.

Your sister may think you’ll regret staying single.

Someone at church may think you just haven’t met the man for you yet.

Your married friends may not understand why you wouldn’t want what they have.

Okay.

They get to think that.

You don’t have to convince them. You don’t have to present your case. You don’t have to get defensive every time someone has an opinion about your life.

Their opinion isn’t what makes you question your decision.

It’s what you make their opinion mean.

Your sister can say, “I worry you’re going to regret this someday,” and you can make that mean:

Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m making a huge mistake.

Or it can simply mean:

My sister loves me and has an opinion about my life.

She gets to have hers.

You get to have yours.

5. Don’t Decide for Other People That There Isn’t Room for You in Their Lives

This one matters.

Sometimes when you’re single, you can start making decisions for other people without realizing you’re doing it.

You want to go to a concert, but you assume your married friend will want to spend Saturday night with her husband.

So you don’t ask.

You’d love to take a weekend trip with your sister, but she has kids and you decide she’s probably too busy.

So you don’t ask.

Stop deciding for them.

Invite them.

Let them decide whether there’s room in their schedule. Let them say yes. Let them say no.

Being a party of one does not mean you have to do everything alone.

And wanting connection doesn’t mean you secretly want a husband.

You can want someone to eat dinner with. Someone to travel with. Someone sitting beside you at the concert. People around your Thanksgiving table.

You can want deep friendships, companionship, and people who know what’s happening in your life.

That doesn’t have to mean, See? I really do want to get married.

It can simply mean:

I want connection.

You’re human.

Of course you do.

You Don’t Have to Know Forever

Maybe part of the reason you’re asking, “Is it okay that I don’t want to get married?” is because you think you need to know you’re going to feel this way forever.

You want to know you won’t regret it.

That you won’t get lonely.

That you won’t look at someone else’s marriage someday and wish you’d chosen differently.

That you won’t wake up ten years from now and think, Maybe I do want to get married.

But you don’t need to know any of that.

You don’t have to make today’s decision for the woman you’ll be five, ten, or twenty years from now.

Let her decide when she gets there.

Today, you take care of you.

You listen to what you want.

You make the best decision you can.

And then you have your own back in that decision.

You don’t need to defend the life you’ve chosen. You don’t need to prove you’re happy every minute of it. And you don’t need a guarantee that you’ll want it forever.

You get to go live your life.

Table for one and all.

And be at peace.