How to Get What You Want

Have you ever wanted something—really wanted something—and wondered:

Why does getting what I want have to be so much work?

Maybe you want to get married. Lose weight. Get stronger. Change careers. Improve your finances. Start a business. Or finally accomplish a goal you've been thinking about for years.

You want the thing.

Then you discover there's an entire process involved in getting it.

There are things to do. Problems to solve. Things to figure out. Attempts that don't work. Days when you're motivated—and days when you'd much rather stay in bed.

That's often when procrastination, distraction and starting and stopping creep in.

So how do you keep moving toward something you really want?

Here are three things to consider.

1. Stop Depending on Motivation

Recently, I woke up on a Monday morning and wanted to go back to bed.

My brain had a very convincing argument: You deserve to sleep in. Lounge a little. Take it easy.

Maybe I did.

But I also knew that wasn't how I wanted to spend my day.

So I got up. I worked on my business and podcast. I did laundry. Made meals. Worked out. Paid bills. Bought groceries.

Nothing extraordinary happened. I simply handled the everyday opportunities and challenges of my life.

And it turned out to be a really good day.

Here's what mattered:

I didn't wait to feel motivated.

We sometimes believe we need to feel like doing something before we can do it.

When motivation is high, we're off to the races. When it disappears, we stop.

But motivation comes and goes.

So does discouragement. Overwhelm. Frustration.

You don't have to make those feelings mean something has gone wrong—and you don't have to use them against yourself.

Instead of:

Why am I so lazy? Why can't I follow through?

Try:

Of course I don't feel like doing this right now. That's okay. Come on. We've got this.

Loving yourself doesn't always mean giving yourself what feels best in the moment.

Sometimes loving yourself means remembering what you want more.

2. Decide You're IN

I once worked with a woman who was frustrated with dating. She had tried online dating, met some men and gone on dates, but nothing had worked out.

I asked her:

What if I could look into the future and tell you that you'd need to date 100 different men before you found one you wanted to be with? Would you be willing to date 100 men?

Her answer was no.

I found that fascinating.

She really wanted marriage. But even with a hypothetical guarantee that the result was waiting at the end, she wasn't willing to go through that process to get there.

Obviously, none of us knows whether finding a husband will require dating 10 men, 100 men or 1,000 men.

That's not the point.

The question is:

How willing are you to do what it takes to create something you say you really want?

You can desperately want a result and still be unwilling to participate in the process required to get it.

At some point, you have to decide:

I'm IN.

Stop asking yourself every day whether you're still committed.

You decided you're in. So be in.

That doesn't mean you won't get discouraged. It doesn't mean every attempt will work. It doesn't mean you'll never wonder whether it's worth it.

It means you don't turn every difficult day into a brand-new decision about whether you still want what you've already decided you want.

And this is where having your own back matters.

That was disappointing. I've got you. I'm still in.

That didn't work. I've got you. I'm still in.

This is taking longer than I wanted. I've got you. I'm still in.

Don't abandon yourself simply because it got hard.

3. Figure Out What It Takes

One of the most common reasons we give for not moving toward something we want is:

“I don't know what to do.”

Okay.

Then figuring out what to do is the next step.

“I don't know” doesn't have to end the conversation. It can begin it.

Ask yourself:

What is the process for getting what I want?

You may not know exactly.

That's okay too.

We often want certainty before we're willing to begin. We want someone to tell us: Do these exact things in this exact order, and I promise you'll get the result.

But that's rarely how creating something works.

Instead:

Try. Learn. Adjust. Continue.

That's what scientists do. It's what successful businesses do.

Try something. Gather information. Learn from what happened. Adjust. Try again.

The process that seems so uncertain is actually where you begin creating greater certainty.

And once again, how you treat yourself matters.

Can you let yourself not know?

Can you be a beginner?

Can you try something that doesn't work without turning it into evidence that you can't do this?

There's an enormous difference between:

Well, that didn't work. I knew I couldn't do this.

And:

Well, that didn't work. What did I learn?

Give yourself room to figure it out.

Learn to Love the Process

The day after that Monday when I wanted to stay in bed, I wrote in my journal:

“It was such a good day!”

As I thought about why, I realized I had spent the previous day telling myself things like:

Yeah! It's working.

That problem is fixed.

I figured it out.

Nothing extraordinary had happened. I had simply been living my life, working, solving problems, doing laundry, making meals and figuring things out.

And I realized:

It wasn't only what happened that made it a good day. It was what I made those things mean and how I talked to myself.

That's a huge part of learning to love the process.

If the only part you're willing to enjoy is finally getting the result, you could spend a whole lot of your life waiting to get there.

Meanwhile, this is your life.

While you're learning.

While you're figuring it out.

While you're adjusting.

While you're doing the everyday things that move you toward what you want.

The process isn't the annoying part you have to get through before your life begins.

The process is your life.

So love the woman who's figuring it out.

Have her back.

Enjoy watching her become capable of doing things she couldn't do before.

And ask yourself:

Am I willing?

Willing to keep moving when I don't feel motivated?

Willing to be IN?

Willing to figure out what it takes?

Willing to try, learn, adjust and continue?

You don't have to know exactly how you're going to get there.

You just have to be willing to stay in the process, have your own back along the way and keep saying:

“Yep. I'm IN.”