Have you ever felt genuinely motivated to change something about yourself?
You heard an idea, recognized something you wanted to do differently, and thought, Yes! That's exactly what I need to work on!
You were excited. You could picture yourself making that change.
And then...nothing.
You went right back to doing what you'd always done.
What happened to all that motivation?
That Stung a Little!
In Episode #159, How to Be the Most Attractive Woman in the Room, I shared seven behaviors that can make a woman more attractive.
Maybe one of those behaviors hit a little too close to home.
Perhaps it was being interested in others. You realized that when you're talking with someone, you sometimes spend more time thinking about what they're thinking of you than actually getting to know them.
Ouch!
But that realization also created an opportunity. You could see something about yourself that you wanted to improve.
You were motivated to do better.
Then life continued. You attended another gathering, had another conversation, and slipped right back into your familiar habits.
It's frustrating, isn't it?
Especially when you really do want to change.
And Then Your Brain Got Involved
Here's something important to understand about your brain.
Your brain likes what's familiar. Familiar feels safe, even when those familiar thoughts and behaviors aren't helping you create the life you want.
So when you decide to do something differently, your brain may have a few objections.
I'm just shy.
I've always been this way.
I'm not good at talking to people.
I've tried to change before. It never lasts.
And before you know it, that exciting possibility you saw for yourself doesn't seem quite so possible anymore.
You may even begin to believe there's nothing you can do about it.
But think about the cost of accepting that conclusion.
What happens when you repeatedly decide that the way you've always been is the way you'll always be?
You miss opportunities to grow, to enjoy new experiences, to develop relationships, and to discover what you're capable of.
And over time, those missed opportunities can shape the life you're living.
That's a pretty significant price to pay for staying comfortable.
The 3C Advantage in Action
This is where I want to introduce a different possibility.
The 3C Advantage: Curiosity, Clarity, and Confidence.
Let's return to that example of being interested in others.
Imagine you've just attended a ward Halloween party or fall festival.
On the drive home, you start thinking about a conversation you had.
You realize that instead of being genuinely interested in the woman you were talking with, you spent much of the conversation worrying about what she thought of you.
And you notice something else: You hardly asked her anything about herself!
Now, you could use that realization as an opportunity to criticize yourself.
See? I'm terrible at this. Why can't I just be normal?
But what if you did something different?
What if you had your own back?
You noticed a behavior you want to improve. That's useful information! You don't have to turn it into evidence that something is wrong with you.
That's Confidence at work.
Then you get curious.
What was I thinking during that conversation? Why was I so focused on myself? What was I worried might happen?
That's Curiosity.
As you consider those questions, you begin to understand how your thoughts influenced your feelings and behavior.
You weren't asking many questions because you were so busy monitoring yourself.
That's Clarity.
Notice how these three work together. They aren't rigid steps you must complete in a particular order. Each one supports the others.
And now you have something useful to work with.
Instead of vaguely promising yourself that you'll be more interested in people, you can make a specific decision.
Next time, maybe you'll ask a question and genuinely listen to the answer. Maybe you'll ask a follow-up question instead of immediately turning the conversation back to yourself.
You have a place to begin.
From Afterward to Beforehand
Here's what I love about this process.
At first, you may not recognize what you're doing until the conversation is over.
That's okay!
You noticed. That's progress.
Then, with practice, something begins to change.
You might catch yourself halfway through a conversation, realizing you've stopped listening because you're worrying about how you're coming across.
And you can redirect your attention.
Eventually, you can begin making decisions before you walk into a gathering.
You might decide ahead of time that you're going to be interested in the people you meet. You're going to ask questions, listen, and learn something about them.
Think about the opportunities coming up with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's gatherings.
You have plenty of chances to practice!
Will you do it perfectly?
Of course not.
But perfection isn't required for progress.
Every time you notice, get curious, gain clarity, and choose how you want to respond, you're developing a skill.
And skills improve with practice.
Hope Is Where It Begins
I want you to consider something.
What if you really could change?
What if the thoughts and behaviors you've practiced for years aren't permanent?
What if you could become more interested in others, more confident, more willing to try new things, or more capable of creating the relationships and experiences you want?
You don't have to know exactly how everything will turn out before you begin.
You can start with hope.
In the Book of Mormon, Mormon asks an interesting question in Moroni 7:40:
“How is it that ye can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope?”
I love the relationship between hope and faith.
You begin by entertaining the possibility that something can be different.
Then you act on that possibility.
As you practice and begin seeing evidence of what you're capable of, your belief grows.
And that changes what seems possible for your future.
The 3C Advantage isn't limited to becoming more attractive or improving conversations. You can use Curiosity, Clarity, and Confidence in your dating life, your relationships, your work, and countless other areas of your life.
So the next time you feel motivated to change something about yourself, don't assume that motivation has to stick around for you to make progress.
You have something much more useful than a temporary burst of enthusiasm.
You have the ability to get curious, gain clarity, and develop confidence as you practice becoming the woman you want to be.
And that is how you begin creating a life you're excited to wake up to.