Recently, I decided to have my colors done.
I went to a trained House of Colour consultant to discover which colors are most flattering on me—everything from clothing and makeup to my hair.
And I went into that appointment knowing exactly what I wanted to hear.
I wanted to be a Winter.
Why? Because I LOVE black. I wear black. I own lots of black. And I wanted an expert to confirm that black was one of my very best colors.
I absolutely did NOT want to be an Autumn. I wasn't particularly interested in being a Spring either. Worst case, I'd settle for Summer.
Well, guess what?
I'm a Spring!
Not a Winter. Not even a Summer.
And black? Not one of my best colors.
To make things even more interesting, the lowlights my hairstylist weaves into my gray hair aren't my most flattering choice either.
Well, isn't THAT interesting?
What Could I Have Made This Mean?
I could have walked away from that appointment with quite the conversation going on in my head.
How could you not know black wasn't your best color? You've been wearing it for decades! You don't have an eye for fashion. You don't even know what looks good on you!
But here's the thing.
My consultant didn't tell me any of that.
She simply gave me information about which colors flatter me most.
Everything else would have been a story I created about that information.
And we do this all the time.
A man doesn't ask you out for a second date, and you make it mean you're not attractive enough.
Another woman gets married, and you make it mean there's something wrong with you.
You try something new and aren't particularly good at it, and you make it mean you're incompetent.
We take an experience and turn it into a verdict about ourselves.
Our brains have a natural negativity bias. And if you've spent years thinking poorly about yourself, those thoughts can become so familiar that they feel like facts.
Sometimes we even believe that criticizing ourselves is the best way to improve.
We become our own drill sergeant.
But when you're constantly telling yourself you're not good enough, how excited are you to try something new?
Confidence Isn't What You Think
Here's what I teach my coaching clients.
Confidence isn't a personality trait that some women are born with and others aren't. And it isn't believing you're better than anyone else.
Confidence is three learnable skills.
1. The ability to trust yourself.
You make a decision and follow through. You do what you said you would do, building evidence that you can count on yourself.
That doesn't mean you never change your mind. Sometimes new information leads to a new decision.
2. The ability to experience any emotion.
Disappointment. Fear. Embarrassment. Sadness. Envy.
You don't have to enjoy those emotions. But when you know you can experience them, you don't have to organize your life around avoiding them.
3. The ability to have your own back.
You don't turn against yourself when something doesn't go as planned.
You can recognize a mistake, learn something new, or identify an opportunity to improve without making any of it mean there's something wrong with you.
And these three skills work together.
What Confidence Makes Possible
Imagine you decide to start dating again.
You make a plan and follow through. That's trusting yourself.
You go on a date, enjoy yourself, but he doesn't ask you out again. You experience disappointment without deciding you should never date again.
And instead of criticizing yourself or making his decision mean you're not enough, you have your own back.
Confidence doesn't guarantee that every date will be wonderful.
It gives you the ability to participate in your life without needing everything to turn out the way you hoped.
And that applies to so much more than dating.
A difficult conversation. A career change. A new friendship. Trying something you've never done before.
You don't have to wait until you feel confident.
You develop confidence by practicing the skills as you go.
Imagine a Life You're Excited to Wake Up To
What would that life look like?
What would you be doing? Where? With whom? When?
Maybe it includes marriage. Maybe it's traveling, building friendships, starting a business, or simply enjoying the life you already have more.
You don't have to know exactly what that life looks like before you begin.
In fact, the picture becomes clearer as you participate in creating it.
You make decisions. You try things. You learn what you enjoy and what you don't. You discover possibilities you hadn't considered.
Just like my color consultation.
I'm now noticing colors I might never have considered wearing. I'm exploring possibilities I couldn't see before.
And I'm having fun with it!
That's what I love about The 3C Advantage: Curiosity, Clarity, and Confidence.
Curiosity invites you to explore.
Clarity helps you understand what you're discovering.
Confidence gives you the skills to act on what you're learning.
And here's the best part.
While you're creating a life you're excited to wake up to, you're also becoming the woman who creates it.
Not because there's something wrong with who you are today.
But because there's so much more available for you to discover and become.
Confidence isn't believing you're wonderful at everything. It's knowing you can handle what you discover about yourself without turning it into something negative about who you are.
And that is very good news.