What If Someone Just Doesn’t Like You?
You get the feeling someone doesn't like you.
Maybe it's a coworker. Someone at church. A friend of a friend. A family member. Or someone you went on a couple of dates with who suddenly stopped showing interest.
Almost immediately, your brain wants to know:
Why?
Did I say something? Did I do something wrong? Should I explain myself? Should I try harder?
Before long, you've spent a surprising amount of mental energy thinking about someone else's opinion of you.
But here's a question you may not have considered:
What if someone just doesn't like you?
And what if that isn't actually a problem?
Why Being Disliked Feels So Uncomfortable
There's a reason your brain cares about what other people think.
Human beings are wired for connection and belonging. Historically, being part of a group was connected to survival. Rejection and exclusion could have serious consequences.
We don't live under those same circumstances today, but our brains can still respond to social rejection as though something important has gone wrong.
Someone doesn't include you.
A man doesn't want another date.
A woman seems cold toward you.
And your brain sounds the alarm.
You may feel rejected, embarrassed, afraid, hurt, or left out.
Because those feelings are uncomfortable, your brain naturally wants to solve the apparent problem:
Get them to like me.
But wanting to be liked isn't the problem. And feeling hurt when someone doesn't like you isn't a problem either.
The question is whether you believe their opinion is now something you're responsible for changing.
You Can Influence Someone's Opinion, But You Can't Control It
There are times when trying to influence someone's opinion makes sense.
You may want to apologize.
You may want to clarify something you said.
You may decide to make more of an effort in a relationship.
And sometimes it works.
Influence isn't the problem. Needing the influence to work is.
You can explain yourself beautifully and still be misunderstood.
You can be kind and still not be liked.
You can show up authentically on a date and the other person can still decide you're not for them.
Another person's opinion belongs to them.
You get to choose what you will do and who you will be.
They get to choose what they think about it.
Being Valuable and Being Valued Are Different Things
Someone else's opinion can easily start feeling like evidence.
If she doesn't like me, maybe something is wrong with me.
If he didn't choose me, maybe I'm not attractive enough.
If they don't appreciate what I bring, maybe what I bring isn't valuable.
But being valuable and being valued are not the same thing.
Another person gets to decide whether they value something about you. Their decision doesn't establish your value.
When you confuse the two, however, changing someone's opinion becomes very important. You aren't simply trying to get them to like you anymore. You're trying to get their approval so you can feel okay about yourself.
That's an exhausting job to give another person—especially when their opinion was never yours to control.
Being Yourself Means Some People Won't Prefer You
The more willing you are to actually be someone, the more opportunities you give other people not to like you.
Have opinions? Someone will disagree.
Have preferences? Someone will prefer something else.
Have a personality? There will be people who don't particularly enjoy it.
Make choices? Someone will think you should have chosen differently.
That's not evidence that you're doing something wrong.
It's what happens when one distinct human being encounters another distinct human being.
Yet we often try to avoid this by watering ourselves down.
We hold back an opinion. Tone down our enthusiasm. Become a little more agreeable. Try to figure out what another person wants and become more of that.
We try to make ourselves broadly acceptable.
But the things that make you “not for” one person may be some of the exact things another person appreciates about you.
You Don't Like Everyone Either
This is easy to forget when you're the one feeling rejected.
You have preferences too.
There are perfectly good people you don't particularly connect with. There are good men you don't want to date. There are people you respect but don't want as close friends.
You allow yourself to think:
He's a good man, but he's not for me.
So why can't he meet you and think:
She's a good woman, but she's not for me.
His preference doesn't have to become evidence that something is wrong with you.
It can simply be information about fit.
Genuine Connection Requires the Freedom to Say No
There's another cost to changing yourself to gain someone's approval.
Suppose it works.
You figure out what someone values. You show them those parts of yourself and hide the parts you think they won't appreciate.
They like you.
But now there's another question:
Do they actually like you—or the version of yourself you created to be liked?
The strategy you used to guarantee approval has made it harder to experience what you really wanted: to be valued for who you are.
Maybe some people not valuing you isn't an unfortunate consequence of being yourself.
Maybe it's part of what makes genuine connection possible.
Because if you want someone to freely value you, you have to give them the freedom not to.
If you want someone to freely choose you, they must be allowed not to choose you.
Real choice includes the possibility of no.
Real preference includes the possibility of not for me.
And being genuinely valued includes the possibility of not being valued.
What If They Just Don't Like You?
The next time your brain starts worrying about someone's opinion, you don't have to pretend you don't care.
You can feel disappointed.
You can wish they felt differently.
You can consider their feedback and decide whether there's something you genuinely want to change.
But you can also ask yourself:
Is there actually a problem here?
Sometimes there will be something you want to address.
And sometimes the answer will simply be:
No.
They don't like me.
They're allowed.
And I'm free.