Lonely or Just Bored? How to Tell the Difference (and Why It Matters)
The Difference Between Lonely and Bored
One of the struggles my clients often bring up is the feeling of loneliness. It’s not just single women—everyone, at some point, will feel lonely. It’s part of the human experience.
But here’s a question: what if what you’re feeling isn’t loneliness at all? What if it’s boredom?
When I’ve described myself as “lonely,” life has felt dreary. I didn’t have much to look forward to, and everything seemed flat. But when I’ve been bored, it’s felt eerily similar—restless, cheerless, even complacent.
Think back to summer vacation as a kid. At first, it was exciting—freedom, plans, possibilities. But after a while, we’d flop on the couch and whine, “I’m bored.” Suddenly, nothing felt interesting anymore.
See the overlap? Loneliness and boredom can feel a lot alike.
Why Marriage Isn’t the Solution
Sometimes we believe marriage will “solve” loneliness. I’ll be blunt: getting married is not a cure for loneliness. The only thing marriage changes is your marital status. If you see being single as a problem, marriage may change that label, but it won’t automatically solve the feelings underneath.
I know this firsthand. I didn’t get married until I was 52. During my single years, I had a fulfilling career, friends to travel with, and a full life. I wasn’t lonely. What I was… was bored. I wasn’t feeling challenged or stretched.
Marriage has definitely brought new challenges and growth, but boredom didn’t magically disappear. In fact, I’ve discovered that whenever I feel “lonely” in marriage, what I’m really feeling is boredom again. That restlessness is a signal that I need to step into something new.
Reframing Boredom
So let’s call boredom what it is: one more night on the couch with snacks and the remote, one more day of sameness, one more thought of “is this all there is?”
And here’s the key—boredom is not something for someone else to solve. When we look to other people to entertain us or fill the void, we give away our power. The truth is, you are the best person to solve your boredom.
The answers are already inside you.
The Power of Asking Yourself Questions
The simplest tool I can give you is this: ask yourself questions. Not rhetorical, roll-around-in-your-head questions. I mean, pen-to-paper, sit-down-and-write questions.
Your brain is a problem-solving machine. It will think about something whether you direct it or not. So instead of letting it run wild with self-judgment or worry, give it a better job: answer a powerful question.
One of my favorites comes straight from scripture. In Genesis, God says, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.”
We often assume this only refers to marriage and children. But what if it’s broader than that? What if it’s really an invitation to ask:
How can I be fruitful?
How can I multiply what I have?
How can I replenish the earth right now, right where I am?
Another way to phrase it: How can I add value to the world today?
Finding Your Answers
Here’s where the blank page comes in. Think of that page as a picture of your boredom—empty, restless, waiting. Now let it become a slate of possibility.
Write down every idea your brain gives you in response to those questions. Don’t filter, don’t judge, don’t edit. Just write. When you think you’re done, ask, “What else?”
Consider your talents: teaching, listening, organizing, creating, speaking, encouraging. How might you use those to add value?
Think about what you’ve overcome. Your hardships and weaknesses are not wasted. They may be the very thing that equips you to help someone else.
Invite God into the process. Ask, “How do You want me to multiply and replenish? How do You want me to add value today?” Then be still and let the Spirit work. If the idea is good and invites you to do good—it’s from Him.
Now What?
By now, that blank page is full. And I’ll bet you’re no longer bored. You may even feel nervous about which idea to start with. Here’s my advice:
If every option will turn out amazing, which one feels most fun right now? Start there.
Adding value doesn’t have to mean a massive life overhaul. It can begin with a single step—sharing an idea, reaching out to someone, developing a skill, or trying something new.
Your Value Is Needed
When I got married and later moved to the Midwest, I had wonderful friends who spent their creative energy quilting and gathering. For a time, I joined in. But deep down, I knew I had more to give. I wasn’t really lonely—I was bored.
That restlessness led me to this work, to coaching women like you, and to creating this podcast and blog. It was my way of multiplying and replenishing.
And the same is true for you. Your value may not look like mine, but it is absolutely needed. The world is waiting for the fruit only you can bring.
Pretty amazing, isn’t it?