Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Christmas is right behind it. And before you know it, we'll be ringing in another new year.
And while there are plenty of things to love about the holiday season, there might also be a few things you're already dreading.
Like Thanksgiving dinner at your parents' house.
Because your sister might be there.
You know, the sister who always has something to say about your life. The sister who makes those little comments that get under your skin. The sister who somehow manages to make you feel like you're twelve years old again.
And you're already thinking, "I don't know if I even want to go this year."
After all, why would you voluntarily spend Thanksgiving with someone who makes you miserable?
Maybe you're also anticipating the questions about your dating life at Christmas. Or the family gathering where everyone seems to be paired off and you're the odd woman out.
And then there's New Year's Eve.
Another year ending. Another year beginning. And maybe you're already telling yourself that nothing in your life has really changed.
Same people. Same situations. Same frustrations.
Here we go again.
But here's something fascinating.
The holidays haven't even happened yet, and you may already be feeling irritated, anxious, resentful, lonely, or disappointed.
You're having an emotional experience about things that haven't even happened.
And if someone asked you why you're feeling that way, you'd probably have a pretty convincing explanation.
"My sister is impossible."
"My family doesn't understand what it's like to be single."
"I'm tired of spending another holiday season alone."
But what if there's something about those explanations you haven't considered?
If You're Wondering How You Got Here, Look at the Beginning
Recently, I heard one of my coaches say something that really caught my attention:
"If you're wondering how you got here, you only need to look at the beginning."
It sounds almost ridiculously simple.
But think about it.
When most of us wonder how we ended up where we are, we tend to look at what's happening around us.
We look at other people. Our circumstances. What somebody said, what somebody did, or what somebody failed to do.
And we come up with an explanation.
I don't have any money in the bank because of the economy.
I don't have friends because the women at church are cliquish.
I didn't get the promotion because my boss doesn't like me.
I'm not going to Thanksgiving dinner because my sister makes me miserable.
And we believe those explanations.
But what if we're looking in the wrong place?
What if the beginning of the result we're experiencing isn't the circumstance itself, but what we're THINKING about the circumstance?
Let's go back to Thanksgiving.
You have a sister. That's a fact.
And maybe your sister has said some things you didn't appreciate. Maybe you've had unpleasant interactions with her in the past.
Those things may have actually happened.
But then your brain gets involved and offers you a story:
"My sister is mean. She's impossible to be around. She always ruins everything."
Those aren't facts. They're thoughts, opinions, and interpretations.
And here's why that distinction matters.
When you think, "My sister always ruins everything," how do you feel?
Maybe angry. Resentful. Anxious.
And when you're feeling that way, what do you do?
Maybe you start complaining about your sister to your mom. Maybe you replay past conversations. Maybe you spend weeks imagining how awful Thanksgiving will be.
Perhaps you decide not to go.
Or maybe you do go, but you arrive already irritated, on guard, and expecting the worst.
And then what happens?
You have a miserable Thanksgiving. Or you stay home feeling angry and left out.
And you tell yourself, "See? This is exactly why I hate Thanksgiving with my family."
Now you've got even more evidence that your original story was true.
But look at what actually happened.
Your thoughts about a circumstance generated feelings in your body. Those feelings fueled your actions, inactions, and even how you treated yourself along the way.
And those actions contributed to the result you experienced.
Our thoughts generate our feelings. Our feelings fuel our actions. And our actions create our results.
This doesn't mean your sister has always behaved beautifully. And it certainly doesn't mean you have to attend Thanksgiving dinner.
It means your sister's behavior and your thoughts about her behavior are two different things.
Recognizing that distinction is enormously valuable.
Why We Believe the Stories Our Brains Tell Us
Our brains have a natural tendency to look for what's wrong.
It's called negativity bias.
Our brains are particularly good at noticing potential problems, threats, and things that might go wrong. That's part of how they work to keep us safe.
But it also means that when you think about Thanksgiving dinner, your brain may be much quicker to remind you of the argument you had with your sister last year than the wonderful conversation you had with your brother.
Then there's habit.
If you've spent years thinking, "My sister is impossible," your brain has gotten very good at offering you that thought.
It's familiar. You've thought it so many times that you don't even question it anymore.
And then there's conditioning.
Imagine you're a little girl playing with your sister, and she hits you.
You run crying to your mom.
Your mom hugs you and says, "Oh, honey. Did your sister make you sad?"
Your mom is being loving and comforting you.
But consider what you might begin learning.
Your sister MADE you sad.
Your sister is responsible for how you feel.
And if your sister would just behave differently, you wouldn't have to feel sad.
Fast-forward forty years.
You're a grown woman thinking about Thanksgiving dinner.
And what's the story?
"My sister makes me miserable."
Same basic idea.
Someone else is responsible for how you feel.
Think about how often we say things like:
"My boss makes me feel unappreciated."
"The women at church make me feel excluded."
"My mother makes me feel guilty."
"My ex-husband makes me angry."
We say these things so casually that we rarely stop to question them.
But consider what happens when you believe someone else is responsible for your emotional experience.
You've just handed that person an enormous amount of power over your life.
Now, in order for you to feel better, THEY have to do something differently.
Your sister has to be nicer. Your boss has to recognize your value. The women at church have to include you.
And until they do, you're stuck waiting.
You've made your happiness dependent on someone else changing.
Someone you can't control.
And here's the irony: You're assigning responsibility for your happiness to another human being who may not even know how to manage her own happiness!
People can behave unkindly. They can violate boundaries. And there may be very good reasons to distance yourself from someone.
But there's a difference between recognizing someone's behavior and believing that person is in charge of your emotions.
Just because your brain offers you a thought doesn't mean you have to believe it.
You can question it. Examine it. And decide whether it's something you want to continue thinking.
What Is It Costing You to Defend Your Story?
Have you ever noticed how good you can be at defending your own story?
You can produce examples. Remember conversations from ten years ago. Tell me exactly what someone said and why it proves your point.
And if someone suggests another way to look at the situation?
You're ready with even MORE evidence.
Because you KNOW you're right.
Let's say you've decided your sister is impossible to be around.
Someone asks, "Is that true?"
Of course it's true!
You remember the comment she made at Christmas three years ago, the way she treated you at your nephew's birthday party, and that awful thing she said when you were teenagers.
You've got receipts!
Maybe every one of those things happened.
But notice what you're doing.
You're gathering evidence to support the story you've already decided to believe.
You're defending it rather than examining it.
And here's the question worth asking:
What is it costing you to be so committed to proving your story is true?
When you're busy defending your story, you're not particularly interested in other possibilities.
You're not asking, "What else could be true?"
You're not wondering, "Is this story helping me?"
You're focused on being right.
And the more you fight for your story, the more firmly you can become stuck inside it.
Being stuck is one of the most miserable places we can find ourselves.
It's dark. Dreary. Painful. Sometimes frightening.
And there's often a whole lot of anger there.
Because when you're stuck, you don't see a way forward.
But what if you're not actually out of options?
What if you're simply so committed to your current explanation that you can't SEE the other options?
Your sister doesn't have to change for you to have choices about Thanksgiving.
You could go and decide ahead of time how you want to show up.
You could go and leave early.
You could have a conversation with your sister.
You could establish a boundary.
You could decide not to go and make other plans you genuinely enjoy.
There are possibilities.
And here's another cost of fighting for your story.
Sometimes, holding on to it means you don't have to examine your own contribution to the result you're experiencing.
If the problem is entirely your sister, then the solution is entirely up to her.
She needs to change. She needs to apologize. She needs to be nicer.
And you get to wait.
But while you're waiting for her to change, whose life is passing by?
Yours.
Whose holiday season are you spending feeling resentful?
Yours.
This isn't about blaming yourself for your circumstances or pretending other people haven't behaved badly.
It's about recognizing that your thinking may be contributing to a result you don't like.
And that's good news.
Because if your thinking is contributing to your result, you have something you can work with.
Use The 3C Advantage to Create a Different Beginning
So, how do you stop automatically believing the stories your brain offers you and begin intentionally choosing what you want to think?
This is where The 3C Advantage comes in.
Curiosity. Clarity. Confidence.
Three learnable skills that can help you create a life you're excited to wake up to.
1. Curiosity: What Story Am I Telling Myself?
Curiosity is simply a willingness to wonder.
And in this situation, I want you to become curious about your own thinking.
This is the meta skill of thinking about your thinking.
Instead of automatically believing whatever your brain offers you, you begin noticing it.
Let's say you're thinking about Thanksgiving and notice yourself feeling irritated.
Rather than immediately launching into all the reasons your sister is irritating, ask yourself:
"What am I thinking right now?"
Maybe you discover the thought, "My sister always ruins Thanksgiving."
There it is.
A thought. A story your brain is offering you.
You don't have to immediately change it or argue with it.
For now, you're simply noticing it.
And that's a skill worth practicing.
Because you can't intentionally choose what to think if you don't recognize what you're already thinking.
2. Clarity: Is My Story True? Is It Useful?
Clarity is having the courage to turn on the light and see what's actually there.
Once you've identified your story, ask two questions:
Is it true?
Is it useful?
Take the thought, "My sister always ruins Thanksgiving."
Is that true?
Always?
Every single Thanksgiving?
And what does it even mean for someone to ruin Thanksgiving?
Maybe your sister has said some things you didn't appreciate. Maybe you've had unpleasant interactions.
But does that mean she has the power to ruin your entire holiday?
And then consider whether the story is useful.
When you believe it, how do you feel? How do you behave? What decisions do you make?
Is believing that story helping you create the holiday experience you want?
Or is it keeping you stuck in the same familiar emotional experience year after year?
The goal isn't to replace every uncomfortable thought with a happy, positive one.
Sometimes an uncomfortable thought is useful.
Maybe, after examining the situation, you decide limiting your time with your sister is the best choice.
You get to make that decision.
But now you're making it consciously and intentionally rather than automatically reacting to a story you've never questioned.
And as you become clear about your thinking, you may begin seeing options that were there all along.
3. Confidence: Trust Yourself, Feel Your Feelings, and Have Your Own Back
Confidence, as part of The 3C Advantage, involves three learnable skills.
First, trust yourself.
Make a commitment to begin thinking about your thinking.
Pay attention to the stories your brain offers you.
When you notice yourself blaming someone or something for how you're feeling, pause and ask, "What am I thinking?"
Make that promise to yourself.
And then keep it.
You won't do it perfectly. That's not the point.
Every time you follow through, you're practicing self-trust.
Second, be willing to experience any feeling.
When you begin examining your thinking, you may discover some uncomfortable things.
Maybe you've been contributing to a result you don't like.
Maybe you've been holding on to resentment for years.
Maybe you've been waiting for someone else to change instead of making decisions for yourself.
Those discoveries might bring up embarrassment, regret, sadness, or disappointment.
And that's okay.
You can experience those feelings.
They may be uncomfortable, but you have the capacity to feel them.
You don't have to retreat into your old story just because it feels familiar.
Third, have your own back.
When you begin seeing your thinking differently, it can be tempting to beat yourself up.
"Why have I been thinking this way for so long?"
"Look at all the time I've wasted."
But those are simply more thoughts your brain is offering you.
And you get to supervise those, too.
You can acknowledge what has been without making yourself wrong for it.
You can have compassion for the woman who believed those stories.
And you can embrace what can be.
You can decide, "This is what I've been thinking. This is what I've been creating. And now I want to try something different."
That's having your own back.
A Different Holiday Season Starts With You
Thanksgiving is coming. Christmas is right behind it. And another new year is almost here.
And maybe this holiday season can be different.
Even if the people in your life aren't.
Your sister may still say things you don't appreciate.
Your family may still ask questions you'd rather not answer.
You may still attend gatherings as the only single woman in the room.
But those circumstances don't have to determine the experience you create for yourself.
You can recognize the stories your brain offers you.
You can question whether they're true and useful.
And you can consciously decide what you want to believe.
Remember:
"If you're wondering how you got here, you only need to look at the beginning."
Now you know where to look.
At your thinking.
You don't have to beat yourself up for the stories you've believed in the past. And you don't have to wait for everyone else to change before you begin creating something different.
Start right where you are.
With Curiosity. Clarity. And Confidence.
The next time you notice yourself feeling frustrated, resentful, anxious, or disappointed, ask:
"What story am I telling myself?"
"Is it true?"
"Is it useful?"
You might be surprised by the possibilities that become available when you're willing to question what you've always believed.
Because the next chapter of your life doesn't have to look like the last one.
You get to create a different beginning.