Before You Fall in Love; Consider This
Let me ask you a question.
Do you actually know what kind of man you want to build a life with?
Not the fantasy version.
Not the tall, dark, and handsome hero from the front of a romance novel.
But the real man whose values and direction in life actually fit with yours.
Because here’s something I’ve noticed.
Many women believe they know who they want to date… but they’ve never really stopped to think about it with awareness and intentionality.
And when you haven’t thought carefully about that question, dating can start to feel confusing… and exhausting.
But when you do get clear about what truly matters to you, something powerful happens.
You begin to recognize much more quickly the man who might actually be a good match for you — someone who could help you build an even better life together.
The Fantasy vs. Reality of Dating 💭
As teenagers — and honestly even as grown women — we sometimes giggle and fantasize about the tall, dark, and handsome hero on the front of a romance novel.
We imagine someone who is:
• Funny
• Adventurous
• Outgoing
• Romantic
Traits like that can make someone very fun to be around.
Sometimes even very sexy to be around. 😉
And let’s be honest — there is nothing wrong with enjoying those qualities.
But if you want a healthy, lasting relationship, there is a better place to begin your thinking.
A place that goes deeper than personality and chemistry.
That place is values.
Traits vs. Values
Traits are things like:
Funny
Charming
Adventurous
Quick-witted
Bulging biceps 💪
Those things can absolutely draw you in.
And attraction does matter.
But traits mostly describe personality and chemistry.
Values describe how someone actually lives their life and the direction their life is headed.
Values show up in things like:
• Honesty
• Kindness
• Faith
• Integrity
• Responsibility
• Emotional maturity
Values reveal themselves in everyday behavior.
How someone keeps their commitments.
How they treat people when things don’t go their way.
How they talk about others.
How they handle stress and challenges.
Traits might catch your attention.
But values determine the direction someone’s life is headed.
And that matters far more than a funny joke or impressive biceps.
Here’s the truth many women discover a little later than they wish they had:
Values are not boring.
In fact, values are incredibly attractive in a very adult woman way.
There is something deeply attractive about a man who lives with integrity.
A man who does what he says he will do.
A man whose faith guides his life.
A man who treats people with kindness and respect.
Those might not be the things on the cover of a romance novel…
But they are exactly the qualities of the man you want to build a life with.
What This Looked Like in My Own Life
For most of my adult life, I didn’t date much at all.
In fact, I didn’t really start dating until I was 50 years old.
I was happily single and building a life I loved.
Then one day I had a thought that changed everything:
“I know how to be single… I’d like to learn how to be married.”
That thought started my dating adventure.
But because I already loved my life, I knew something very important.
Any man I dated would have to make my life better.
I was pleased with the direction my life was headed. And I knew walking life with someone who was headed the same direction would make it even better.
So I started thinking seriously about what mattered most to me.
I knew I wanted a man who:
• Had faith in Jesus Christ
• Was an all-in LDS man
• Lived with integrity
• Was hardworking and healthy
• Was emotionally mature
Then I did something important.
I dated… and sifted.
I paid attention.
I watched for evidence that the man sitting across the table from me had the values that aligned with the direction I wanted my life to go.
Eventually, I found him.
Now the reality is my husband isn’t nearly as interested in deep emotional work and personal development as I am.
But we are aligned in so many other important values that it works beautifully.
We’re moving in the same direction in life.
And that matters far more.
And just so we’re being honest…
He is tall, pale, bald, and has killer biceps — which definitely caught my attention too. 😄
So yes…
Attraction still matters.
The Question That Changes Everything
Many women approach dating believing something like this:
"I’ll just know when it’s right."
In other words, they expect to feel their way into the right relationship.
And yes — feelings matter.
Attraction matters.
Connection matters.
But the healthiest relationships are rarely built on feelings alone.
They’re built by people who take the time to think about what matters most first.
They understand their values.
They pay attention to character.
They watch how someone actually lives their life.
Because here’s the truth:
Attraction may start a relationship…
but values determine whether two people can build an even better life together.
So as you date, remember this simple but powerful question:
Is this someone I want to love?
When you know your values, that question becomes much easier to answer. 💗